Category Archives: Epistaxis Time

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A few months ago, I found a cache of tapes in a gents lavotory, wrapped in what appeared to be a suicide note.

While many of the tapes had degrated due to exposure to the harsh toilet environment, much of their content was still playable. I became obsessed with cataloguing the dreary, meloncholic sounds contained therein. I have encoded and placed here all that I was able to salvage, and as I am slowly able to un-stick the tiny reels of cassette I intend to publish the rest.

I know very little about the man who created these sounds, however I have catalogued the recordings and collected the meagre information I have about him on this web page in the hope that we may share this tragedy.

Dan Wilson – The Philosophy of Mediadropping

‘The Philosophy of Mediadropping’ is a relentless musing on the practice of mediadropping – the dropping of home-made CDs, DVDs, tapes, books, manuscripts, etc. in public places for random people to find.

Mediadropping is a pathological habit of mine. My old Resonance show, ‘The Exciting Hellebore Shew’, documented many mediadroppings in detail (or tapedroppings as I referred to them back then, as cassette was the weapon of choice). Special ‘music’ was consigned to cassette or CD-R and scattered hither and thither. Over time, an instrumentarium was built up specifically geared toward sonically shocking unsuspecting mediadropping recipients.

Mediadropping may be seen as a physical analogue of the ‘crapflooding’ and ‘trolling’ phenomena of the internet age, but this is a debatable comparison to be treated in a later posting here. In the meantime, tune in to catch ‘The Philosophy of Mediadropping’ and hear Luscombe’s voice fed through a sawn-off trolley and a garage door. Feel the cassette-grot erode your tolerance threshold.

Epistaxis Time – The End

It feels unsafe… Has the second series of Epistaxis Time come to a premature end? Yes, probably. This show wasn’t submitted with the usual accompaniment of feverish text and ingredient listings, and I am loath to supply bullet-pointed provisional song titles for fear of error. Conspiracy theories abound that our host was ‘pretending to die’, and was in fact recruited by Sainsbury’s secret Trolley Reclaimant Squad for his deep understanding of the Mandelbrot chaos that comprises local trolley displacement and the logic of it all. We don’t know!
Epistaxis 6 Trolleys

Epistaxis Time – Slurgle

You’re in for an anti-treat! This Epistaxis thrusts us into a beautiful plush environment of slurgles, polythene oysters bearing mucous pearls, a trolley quivering in an alleyway, crazed metal and meat agape. Feel loneliness.

Bubbles, Resonators and AlleywayOil fat is mixed with Nivea Visage Q10 plus (the world’s favourite anti-wrinkle cream) bubbling wildly, then fed into EM coils which induce an electrified shopping basket to resonate and tease out standing waves within the grille to dispense their periodicity and sonic cum. This eventually caves in to a rather disorientating tale of one agoraphobe’s mental preparations to hurl a bit of toilet roll into a record store (full of socially adept twats).

Lovely soothing stuff, and especially encouraging if you’re a gentle person in a horrid testosteroney world (BTW, I implore you to bathe in oestrogenised sequins with purple daffodils) coming to terms with steel, glass, concrete, etc.

Epistaxis Time – Dot Matrix

Now you’ve done it. This instalment introduces us to the dot matrix guitar (‘printar’) emanating dotty boss riffs and hot licks (literally: the print head gets hot enough to fry eggs on) which are played and amplified in your general direction, love. Subsequent misery ensues:

  • Phone Chr*s Or Die Trying
  • Mama was a Shapeshifter – Denny Clavicon
  • Summer Holiday – The Upset Bunch
  • Reality Often Blurs (I HATE LIFE)

Printar and Apple

Epistaxis Time: Boo-hoo, Review and Interview

This episode contains a sob story, but more importantly: a celebrity interview(!), but I shan’t spoilt it by revealing too much. How refreshing! Here’s a mapping to guide you through this episode’s construct:

  • JJ and his Substrates – Submarining
  • Magazine reviews
  • It Seems So Right, It’s Wro-ho-ong – The Effeminate Xylophonists
  • Sludgemunchkin – Sludgemunchkin
  • Heimlich Manoeuvrability – Cindy’s Workout Tapes (No. 14)
  • Untitled Lament for a departed celebrity

Epistaxis Time: Sonic Portraiture

Under a cloud of financial/general difficulties our host finds himself homeless, so woos us with his ’sonic portrait’ skills that showcase his potential as your personal in-house artist (if you grant him accommodation, that is). A marvellous gem from his music collection follows:

  • Sam Jones – Hero
  • An enthused reading of a poem entitled ‘Onion’ ends in… yes, you’ve guessed it: tears. Literally, in fact, as our host has an accident of the wet, lukewarm and gold variety.
  • Ron, Pamela and Betty in conjunction with the Whetstone Amateur Melodramatic Society – Neighbourhood Watchdogs
  • The joy of looking in bins
  • Dean – How Do You Make Money?
  • How Do You Make Money (instrumental ‘Employee of the Month’ remix)

Epistaxis Time: Candy Arse Lover

Following the well-trodden path of saying “hello” on radio and suchlike, attempts are made to orientate the listener as fully as humanly possible. However, the introduction is stripped of all credibility and matter-of-factness, as the dialogue was recorded in anti-realtime from within a phase inverted superelectromagnetic space-chamber which interferes with one’s perception of time.

I have it on good authority that in spite of the embarrassing proclamations herein, his parents are still proud of him; mainly because of the anti-realtime time disruption facilitator thingybob, a difficult thing to build indeed.

Tracks proceed thusly:

  • Peter Grudzein – Candy Arse Lover
  • Followed by a short acoustical investigation.
  • The Jazz Punishment Directive – Dance like a Victim
  • Felicity’s Bean – Heavy Metal
  • Followed by an amusing anecdote
  • Admiral Messyface and his Bumchugging Jizz Quartet – Shropshire Examiner
  • A haiku couplet.
  • Abu Quitar-Martyr and the Funk Radicals – There She Goes (Fatwa)

Epistaxis Time: Podcast Special

A special episode of Epistaxis time, crafted to untertain popular iPod owining people. You get too much entertainment, so try to enjoy this if you can.

  • A depressing into.
  • I really want to die
  • To die on a Sunny Day

My Odeo Channel (odeo/62bb4b42de868b71)

Epistaxis Time: Fork Flicking Special

An exciting show about flicking cutlery is rudely interrupted by a rival radio station.

  • Government Health Music: “Squeeze it ’till it Bursts”
  • Intro; Flicking a Fork.
  • Pirate take-over, phone in.
  • Hiding in a Dustbin (A feelgood, summer kind of track)
  • A naughty story (Garden Waste)
  • Highly Inappropriate Conduct (Dance Mix)
  • Fork (A poem about a fork lost, then found in a street)
  • Scratching your way out of a locked cupboard with only a fork.