INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE I. Please remain seated during the more exciting moments. II. If for any reason you need to mop your brow, use a dainty napkin. III. Spillages must be paid for in coinage of the realm. IV. When the Darning-Needle of Destiny is unveiled, cower. V. Unseemly pangs may be [...]
Archive for the 'Hooting Yard' Category
Obviously I am going to have to ascertain the precise nature of the Poultry Guidance Bureau’s business before I can make a proper fist of the Art Squad. It might be, for example, that our art will consist simply of beautifully-painted directional pointing devices, designed to appeal to the optic nerves of poultry, in which [...]
When the rest of the family returns from the pantry, each in turn must use skill, judgement, and knowledge of ship construction to declare whether the parlour is now a poop deck or an orlop deck. Those who decide correctly are treated to a “feast at the captain’s table”, that is, they are each allowed [...]
Against this, one could argue two things. If the cage was constructed from flimsy materials, it might be that the burgeoning ostrich would simply cause the birdcage to fall to bits around it as it expanded in size from budgerigar or canary to full ostrichdom. Or, bear in mind that Blakeston specifically describes an ostrich [...]
On a stormy March day precisely one year after the historic picnic, the Viper Pit of Gaar was officially renamed the Bottomless Viper Pit of Gaar at a special pitside ceremony. The mayor, the beadle, the Grand Vizier, the honest burghers and a gaggle of peasant folk gathered for speeches, the cutting of ribbons, the [...]
Yes, sad to say there was a time when I was beset by anxiety dreams, in which I was poised, with a sharp pair of scissors, to cut out “guns” and its definition from a brand new dictionary, the pot of mucilage and a spatula beside the dictionary on the desk, and my hand trembled [...]
Hooting Yard: The Distance Between The Aerodrome And The Zoo.
Published by October 14th, 2012 in Hooting Yard. 0 CommentsMiss Goosebeak seems not to have considered what became of Pontius Pilate’s “ectoplasmic spirit essence” between the governor of Judaea’s death circa 37 AD and Noddy’s first appearance almost two thousand years later in 1949 AD. Nor did she ever address the inconvenient fact that the wooden boy is a fictional character. Challenged on such [...]
N.B. As an episode of “Obsequies For Lars Talc, Struck By Lightening” is missing from the audio archive it has been decided, by the Soup Committee members no less, to carry on regardless with the next show that isn’t ”Obsequies For Lars Talc, Struck By Lightening” hoping that, given the length of the intervening period [...]
Hooting Yard: Obsequies For Lars Talc, Struck By Lightning Pt. IV
Published by July 29th, 2012 in Hooting Yard. 0 CommentsObsequies For Lars Talc, Struck By Lightning was published in an edition of twenty-five copies in 1994, under the Hooting Yard Press imprint and – save for a brief, rewritten, extract posted here some years ago – has never again seen the light of day. It was the last piece of prose I completed before my [...]
Hooting Yard: Obsequies For Lars Talc, Struck By Lightning Pt. III
Published by June 6th, 2012 in Hooting Yard. 0 CommentsObsequies For Lars Talc, Struck By Lightning was published in an edition of twenty-five copies in 1994, under the Hooting Yard Press imprint and – save for a brief, rewritten, extract posted here some years ago – has never again seen the light of day. It was the last piece of prose I completed before my [...]