Sopwith was ushered to a seat at the top table, and a hush descended on the tent as the first course was brought in by the Hooting Yard Duckpond-Cleaner, whose name was Cackbag. This geriatric half-wit carried a capacious tureen containing gallons upon gallons of an iridescent broth, flavoured with pap, rime and bonemeal, and reportedly thoroughly indigestible.

Cackbag slopped a ladleful of the broth into Sopwith’s rusty bowl, and the majestic entertainer was about to spoon some of the piping hot liquid into his mouth, when of a sudden the tent was filled with cataclasm and pandaemonium.

“Cedric William Spraingue!” The words rang out, re-echoing round the canvas walls. “Tundists have come for you! We will take you now!”

Poor Sopwith, ashen, trembling and incontinent, could do little else but to obey the bidding of the unseen Tundists. As bolts of purple light spurted around the tent, and mesmerising noises deafened the townsfolk, he crawled to the entrance flap, a piteous figure on his hands and knees. As soon as he was through the flap, the uproar ceased, the tent interior calmed, the air grew still. Clamour and rack were no more: but Cedric William Spraingue, alias Guesbaldo Sopwith, was gone. Like so many others, he had been taken by the Tundists.Who knows why, or to what end? Like all who fell foul of Tundism, he was ne’er seen on earth again.

• Once Upon a Time (Cassowary Man)
• The Life and Times of Captain Cake
• The Life and Loves of the Immersion Man
• Dobson’s Leech Mishap
• Films on Television
• The Phial of Broth
• An extract from “The Immense Duckpond Pamphlet” concerning Blodgett and an Ogre.

This episode was first broadcast on the 2nd November 2005. For transcripts of this episode, please visit the Hooting Yard website.

The Phial of Broth [ 29:25 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

When Pabstus! Pabstus! was installed on his throne there was carnival and carousing. Fools danced around maypoles and jesting roisterers roistered and doistered as if tomorrow would never come. No one has ever been able to count the pies that were cooked that day. Many, many people drowned at the swimming gala at the Old Crumbling Outdoor Pool, and ravens were seen hovering in the sky. A post office person stuck pictures of Pabstus Tack to his hat and was chased across the fields by happily screeching children. But was there a trace of desperation in their screeching?

And tomorrow did come, of course, as everyone knew it had to. That was when the first rumbles were heard of Pabstus Sludge. To appease him, the throne was moved to a higher point on the hill, just above the coppice, where moles betrayed their presence in their usual mole-like way. A gang from the tavern headed thither armed with rifles, until Pabstus! Pabstus! made it known that moles were sacred and must never be harmed. Some say the men turned their rifles on themselves in terror.

Terror, it is said, is the only proper response to Pabstus Tack and to Pabstus Sludge. Wrapped up tight in their cardigans, hanging Tilly lamps from the rafters of their cabins, the braver villagers plot his overthrow. Turnips are chewed. Cigarillos dangle from the soot-blackened lips of the vanguard. Secret anthems, never written down, are mumbled rather than sung. Food poisoning has wiped out most of these souls since Pabstus! Pabstus! first emitted his light and his booms, seventeen years ago.

• A Thrilling Yarn
• Something about Podcasts
• Pabstus Tack
• Max Decharne talks about dictionaries and other important subjects.
• Dispatches from the nib of Van Dongelbraacke
• A description of Professor Zoltan Crunlop’s Crop-Circle Apparatus
• Max Decharne finds yet more poetry in dictionaries.

This episode was first broadcast on September 28th 2005. Transcripts of this episode can be found on the Hooting Yard Website.

Pabstus Tack and Pabstus Sludge [ 0:01 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Hands up those of you who remember the cartoon character Billy Parallelogram. For decades in the last century he appeared weekly in The Pabulum, a comic which also featured Magnet Boy! The Boy Magnet. Whereas all Magnet Boy! The Boy Magnet’s adventures followed a strict, unchanging formula, you could never guess what might happen in the Billy Parallelogram strip. Sometimes he was accompanied by his cousin, Tilly Dodecahedron, or by the Massed Hordes Of Gruesome And Frightening Things From The Pit Of Foulness.

Sometimes the weekly adventure might be as simplistic as Billy Parallelogram buying an accordion and learning how to play it. There were serial stories, too, spread over two or three months, where Billy Parallelogram would be shown teaching children how to cultivate wheat, or to devise spring, prong and lever mechanisms to automate household tasks, or even to compose majestic symphonies for full orchestra so emotionally charged that listeners would blub into their handkerchiefs. His cousin Tilly Dodecahedron’s appearances often signalled storylines involving bees, turpentine, silhouetteists, farm implements and Dakkadakkadakka. This last was a speciality of the Billy Parallelogram strips, an ill-defined yet curiously unnerving monster goblin with bulging eyes and forehead, seemingly bent on destroying the universe but always distracted by parlour games such as snakes-and-ladders or gluttons-and-rhubarb.

One of Weems’ vile henchmen from the popular cartoon strip “Billy Parallelogram”.

• Horse Begone ( An unfortunate encounter with the Woohoohoodiwoodadooronron Woman )
• Tadeusz Kapisko and his Ears of Wheat
• Dobson in the Land of Nod
• When Haddo-Haddo becomes Musto; Or, The Greaves of Way-O
• Give me a Glossary ( an explanation of “When Haddo-Haddo becomes Musto” )
• Nomenclature of diminuitive persons who plunge down 150-Ft Cliffs and survive with hardly a scratch.
• Billy Parallelogram
• Metal of the week: Tin
• Dietary News ( Foods of the future )

This episode was first broadcast on the 7th September 2005.

Standard Podcast [ 31:06 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download