Hooting Yard: A Bonkers Alibi

If you are suspected of having committed a crime, and are placed under arrest by law enforcement officers, never provide an alibi which is bonkers. This advice holds true whether you are innocent or guilty, or even in that grey area between the two, like a Kafka character.

Let us assume, for the purposes of our argument, that you were indeed the shady, limping figure eye-witnesses recalled seeing emerging from the pastry shop clutching a handful of banknotes fresh from the opened till over which is now slumped the grievously but not fatally wounded pastry shop proprietor. The pastry shop is a couple of miles north of Bodger’s Spinney, in that little arcade known as the One-Time Haunt Of Flappers. You motored away in the sidecar of your accomplice’s getaway motorbike, and just twenty minutes later you were sat in the snug of the Cow & Pins squandering your dishonestly-obtained banknotes on bottled stout.

When the police come to arrest you, whether it be that very day or weeks, months, or years hence, do not say: “At the time of the pastry shop robbery I was clambering up a mountainside in the Himalayas carrying a crate of exotic perfumes in preparation for a long-overdue performance of Scriabin’s unfinished Mysterium, officer”. This is what we call a bonkers alibi.

  • Bonkers Alibis
  • Blazing Excelsior Saturated With Turpentine
  • Elegant Smudges
  • Ten Days in a Ditch (Remembering Bobnit Tivol)
  • Essential Items for your Camping Trip

This episode was first broadcast on Feburary 15th 2006. You can read a transcript of this show in Frank Key’s Hooting Yard website.